Psalm of a Heavy Heart

I have been asked to rewrite Psalm 139 as part of my debriefing.

Thinking about leaving Ireland has already been breaking my heart for a long time now, but I have a feeling that this will not be my last time in this amazing place.  I am longing for God to show His plans, but I know He has me where He wants me.  I thought I’d invite you all into a piece of my heart by posting my rewritten Psalm 139.  I’m no David, but I liked the way this took shape…

Abba, you watch me and you know me intimately.

You know when I stay in bed and when I leave the apartment;

You look into my ever-thinking mind from above.

You look at my heart before I get on the bus and when I get off of it;

You know all the simplest things about me.

Before I open my mouth to speak

You know every expression on my face.

You come in close- in front and behind;

You settle your hand in the small of my back.

The way you intimately know me blows me away,

I can’t even fully comprehend it.

Can I go to the highest mountain and You’ll be there?

Can I run miles and miles and still not be out of Your gaze?

If I went up into the sky, you’d be there;

If I sank to the bottom of the ocean, you’d be there still.

If I rise like the morning sun,

Or settle on the other side of the world, far away from the people I love,

You will always be carrying me and moving my feet along your paths,

You will always sweep me up into your arms and not let me go.

If I get scared and say, “There is no way I can go back,

I won’t be able to face what’s coming for me.”

Even these fears are nothing for you;

My fears will be smashed, like waves upon the rocks, by your confidence in me,

These fears are a way that you teach me real obedience.

You designed my heart and soul, the things I’d like and dislike;

You shaped me inside my mother’s tummy. 

I lift up my voice in worship, because I am beautiful and artistic!

Everything you do is mind-boggling, I’ve always seen that.

You knew who I’d be before my mother and father first laid eyes on each other,

You knew my curves, even as a small fetus.

You wrote my story before I entered the world,

In ink, not in pencil, that’s how omnipotent you are.

Your words are like life to me, Precious Lord!

There are so many,

I feel like I will never know them all as well as I’d like.

If I tried to count all of them,

It would be as endless as the stars in the sky.

In the nighttime and the daytime, You never leave my thoughts.

If only you’d go ahead and crush the hurt and pain of this world,

Take away the burdens I’m called to bear.

People speak against you, and no wonder, 

Because even Christians who bear your name are using it wrongly!

I get angry at those who slander your image like that.

Outraged, because sometimes I do the same.

Those who have not repented of this though, and keep on slandering it,

Well, I don’t consider them brothers and sisters of mine. 

Pursue me, Beautiful Savior, and know every beat of my heart;

Challenge me and know all my anxiety about it.

Clarify any weaknesses and sins in my deepest being,

Even ones I’ve forgotten about.

Move me into the way of least resistance towards Your  eternal glory. 

A Moment in Time

There’s something that’s been on my mind today.  I am in a weird spot right now.  My heart is all over the place.  When you’re in a new country, you tend to be overwhelmed by the newness and all there is to do, but, when you are recently graduated and thinking about the future on top of that, you tend to be in an even more sporadic state of mind.  Thoughts of my life outside of Ireland are heavy on my mind, but I realize that I need to be present where I am.  God has so much to teach me right here, and if I don’t stop to take it all in, I’ll miss it.

Like yesterday, I was walking home, and I happened to see a guy doing street art on the side of a tattoo parlor.  I haven’t seen anyone doing street art yet, and, most times, there’s a reason for that.  I contemplated talking to him, but I decided against it since I was already running late for a coffee date.  On my way back, if he was there, I’d talk to him.  You see, I’m doing a project on artists in Dublin…a photo and film documentary.  A way for people to connect with the artistic process, and a chance for me to ask cool people some cool questions.  But let me tell you, it is intimidating…especially because of the difference in culture!  Anyways, as I walked back to the bus stop later, I saw he was still working on the piece.  I tried to muster up the courage, but ended up walking awkwardly, slower than normal, past him.  As I arrived at the bus stop, I stood there contemplating my next move.  Everything in my gut was telling me to go back, but I desperately didn’t want to.  I was late to a meeting, but I was remembering a conversation I had earlier with someone on this topic…how my fear sometimes consumes me, and I miss a moment.  In Ireland, the only way I can see missions happening is through moments.  It may not be a long, deep conversation, but a few kind words mean a lot.  So I decided to go back.  The sick feeling in my stomach was not going to leave until I had talked to him.

I walked back to where he was working, and asked if I could take some pictures of him.  I think my exact words were, “this may be a weird question…but…would you mind if I took some pictures of you?”  He obliged, and we exchanged a few words as I quickly took pictures and video.  It was a piece he was being commissioned to do for Sol Beer.  He said that was the only kind of art he did, and you could tell he loved it.  He’d done other work around the city as well.  After a few more minutes, I departed with a word of encouragement.  His art was absolutely stunning…

I felt as if it caught the essence of my time here.

He was thankful for the words, and, in a culture where words are held close, I don’t think he’d gotten any other compliments after that hard days work.  It was a moment that I enjoyed wholeheartedly.  It was a glimpse of beauty and glory and connection.  When you don’t have many of those, you treasure every one you can get.

So that story was to put things into perspective.  As I walked back later, it was raining really hard.  I looked at the wall only to find that the beautiful image was marred by the rain.  It was covered in drippy white paint, completely ruined.  I felt a sad emotion hit my heart.  “Was it for nothing, Lord?”  “Was it all a waste?”  I knew the questions were turning inward as I cried out to Him.  I knew that was exactly what I was feeling.  Was it really worth coming here to Ireland for three short months?  Was it going to matter?  Should I just have stayed home and gotten a job instead of putting it off?  Those questions hit as hard as the rain.

As I got home, my answers came.  “Yes, it is always worth it.  You saw it, and it made a difference.”  I remembered how I felt after capturing those shots, and the kind responses he gave which assured me he was encouraged.  There was a huge lesson in this for me.  Even if my time here was for one moment, and all the rest was for not, it would all be worth it in the end.  Even if what I had to give was ruined and utterly destroyed, if it had helped one person, it was worth my whole life.  And what about me?  He died for me.  That one beautiful body utterly destroyed for my sake.  One moment, one life, one hope.

I Guess It’s Time…

Well…I guess it’s time to write a post.  I’m horrible at writing blogs.  I say that I’m going to keep people updated and connected, and, next thing you know, I find myself wondering when I’ll ever have time.  The bottom line is…I probably won’t be able to tell you everything.  I know I won’t.  I am so overwhelmed and blown away by what God’s doing here in Dublin.  The people and land are beyond beautiful and full of His power.  He is showing me new things, and growing me in ways I never knew possible.  He is breaking and changing the very roots and soil I’ve grown up on.  It sounds like a bad thing, but when you understand the magnitude of your fallenness, you realize that you need to be revitalized right down to the core.  As The Oh Hellos once said, “I am afraid of all that I’ve built fading away…”  This is the process my heart and mind are going through.  Being crushed and rebuilt.

Because it’s too overwhelming for me to think of writing full and coherent paragraphs right now, I’m going to be inspired by all the thankfulness I’ve seen on my newsfeed of late and meditate on the things I’m thankful for in this moment.  I was reminded today that it is better to dwell on the positive than the negative…and I have quite the tendency to focus on the latter.

So here it goes…

I am amazed and thankful for the beauty I’ve seen here.  It fills me up and reminds me that we have yet to see even the best of what His hands have made.  Oh the wonder!

The reminder that no matter what I thought I’d accomplish while I was here, He had a far better plan in mind. Just keep breathing and stepping, breathing and stepping.

That He has given me little sanctuaries.  If I didn’t have these spaces, I think I would go mad.  A creative space is my happy place. (:

As thrifty as I am, and as hard as it is to find a thrift store in Ireland, He has a way of sending me little jewels.  I got these boots today for free!  Glitter makes everything better!

The gorgeous view forever out my window.  If I didn’t have a window, I would be super depressed!  The sunlight does me good and gives me a special place to be with the Lord.  There’s something about a view that just makes you smile!

Thankful and excited for new projects and a chance to create/live life with artists in Dublin!  It’s a unique and blessed experience when you get to work with people who think the same way you do, but also challenge you to deeper truth and new ideas.  I’m excited to see what this project brings and the truth that is uncovered!  A new friend let me borrow a book by, the amazing Russian filmmaker, Andrey Tarkovsky called “Sculpting in Time,” and it captures everything I believe about art.  “An artistic discovery occurs each time as a new and unique image of the world, a hieroglyphic of absolute truth.”  I’m realizing more and more that my “Spirit groanings” in Romans 8 come out in art.  We have only seen a glimpse!

To end, I am focusing more on portraits.  I will be taking a bunch of portraits in the next few weeks, so I wanted to start with myself.  I wanted to capture all that I’ve been feeling the last few weeks.  Well, this is what came out…

I am realizing it might not be the most glamorous or the most put together, but, well, that’s me.  It’s dazed and confused and messy, but it’s something rare and beautiful.  Our weakness is His glory, and I want nothing more than to sacrifice all I have for the sake of finding who He is and who He’s created me to be.  In fear and insecurity, I find myself waiting.  He is showing me His love for me through those He’s put in my life right now.  He sees the potential I could never imagine seeing in myself.  He wants me to see that in others and love them like He does.  He’s pulling me into the greatest life I could have ever imagined.  He says, “Lose your life and you will find it!”

The Growth of a Mustard Seed

Today, I’m reading through Hebrews 11.  As it gets closer to the time I will depart for Ireland, I’m getting more and more anxious.  I’m intimidated about the task ahead, and whenever I think about it, I’m completely terrified.  I have a major weakness…a major lack of faith.  In our generation today, I am seeing a tendency more and more for Christians to rely on themselves and not God.  The beginning of Hebrews 11 says that “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  I feel as if I have hope and conviction, but my heart can trick me and this can be a mask for false faith.  I put my hope in things seen.  Things unseen are scary, unpredictable and down right hard to deal with.  I am starting to realize I have faith in some areas but not others.  I can, seemingly, “easily” believe the truth that God spoke the world into being and Christ died for us, but I have a much harder time believing I will ever be released from the things that so easily bind me or that I’m heading toward a better day…a never-ending freedom.  Lies in my mind tend to kill the faith of some very prominent Biblical truths, but this is where the magic happens.  Once the Lord reveals this to my heart and my eyes are opened to spots of blindness, He can then start to heal and fix with His living and active Word.  When you let it, the Word really does pierce like a double-edged sword, to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerns the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Starting in Hebrews 11:4, and continuing through the rest of the passage, it combs through previous passages of Scripture selecting some of the Biblical characters who showed an immense amount of faith…and they didn’t even get through all of them!  It even confesses to us in Hebrews 11:32 that not everyone could possibly be named in one spot.  In looking through those they did mention, I was reminded of what incredible faith it took to get the church and believers where we are today.  The one that stands out to me the most is Moses.  Moses blows my mind when it comes to faith!  I have a hard time believing God can use me, sustain me or change me, but Moses had to believe far larger promises.  Making a list of what Moses did ONLY through faith is a must here:  it shows the majesty of God!!

• Moses, by faith, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter
• by faith, chose to be mistreated with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin
• by faith, he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king
• by faith, he answered the call of God, even though he was intimidated and had a stutter, to lead the Israelites out of Egypt 
• by faith, he kept Passover and sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch the Israelites
• by faith, he led the people across the Red Sea on dry land, but the Egyptians were drowned

And so much more than even these faith acts mentioned above, He, by faith, “considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking towards the reward.” (Heb. 11:26)

Moses trusted the Lord, because he knew Him.  The more we get in the Word and consider what Christ has done for us, the more we will grow to know Him, trust him and believe what He promises to do will be done.

 Faith like a mustard seed.  That is the kind of faith the Lord is calling you and I to.  I’m sure there were times when Moses had a very hard time having faith that the Lord would do what He said He would, but Moses did it anyway with that seed of faith.  You only have to have a little seed, and the Lord will grow it into an amazing faith just like He did with Moses.  

Matthew 17:20-  “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Trust and believe this day that He is who He says, and His promises never fail.

Grace and Color.

You may be wondering why I chose this particular word to title my blog.  It’s not your normal, everyday word, and, actually, it’s not even English.  “Dath” is an Irish word meaning color, and “anna” is the plural form, colors.  The meaning I have weaved into it is slightly different. “Anna” in the English language means gracious.  These two words put together have a lot of meaning in my life.

 

 

I first read this word while listening to an album put together by two men who went galavanting around the Atlantic coast off of Ireland.  They recorded all of the sights and melodies of what they called the sounds of the “Wild Atlantic Way.”  They named each song a different Irish color, and, therefore, decided to name the whole album “Dathanna.”  You should really go check it out! –> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-pOj_xRl_k)  Some of the most beautiful music I have every heard and made up of God’s incredible creation!

 

I loved the concept of this word and the more I lingered on it, the more meaning God had for me in it.  See, I have this fascination with colors.  Over the past four years, I realized I could use them and twist them into pieces of artwork that were uniquely me.  I love the flow of paints, and how you can mix them together to create an even more exotic color.

 

I love to see colors around me as well.  I usually spend car rides with my face up against the window looking out into the marvelous blue sky.  When there is a rainstorm, the colors come alive even more, and I catch a glimpse of Jesus as the “radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of His nature” in the way the sun breaks through the dark clouds. (Hebrews 1:3)  He made us to be His masterpiece and His artwork is all around us.  I love that God is a Creator!  He put that desire inside me, and it is a reflection of who He is as well!  This is also one of the ways He shows His love for me.  He is with me when I do art, and He loves to see me do it.

 

 

 

Another thing about colors is that they’re so chaotic!  They have many elements and all of them have something to do with life.  They can be mixed and shaped into something completely different.  Sometimes this can be painful, especially for the artist.  I can be a chaotic mess or I can be a beautiful masterpiece.  Most of the time, I remain a chaotic mess, but this is where the second part, “anna,” comes in.

 

God is the one who created me and is sustaining this life and journey even now.  “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10)  He created me, and has also given me the tools to continue this masterpiece.  He has given us, in His grace, the ability to make this life whatever we want.  This can make me nervous.  I want Him to take control of the brush and do everything for me, because, sometimes, this life just seems too hard.  But the beauty of life is all wrapped up in that word, grace.  When I read the Word, the theme of grace is one of the most prominent ones to me.  I can see it in every life, every story, and every teaching.  It is the essence of what it means to be a fallen human being and still a daughter of the King.  It is the beauty of the cross.  It is in the end of the word “Dathanna” that I start to see the beginning.  It is through my weakness that I can see His abundant strength.  It isn’t until I look back that I can see the abundant colors of His grace in my life.  And now, I want to be able to look forward and find them as well.  But I don’t just want to look, I want to CHASE!  I want to chase His grace throughout my life and see the beautiful things He does with it.  This gives me HOPE and FREEDOM and true LIFE!

 

“We have this hope as a sure and steadfast anchor for the soul…” (Hebrews 6:19)

 

Look around today and find those colors //